"If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny." - Yoda.
...Its true. Just ask those of us who did not choose the path. Those of us who were born along that path, discarded there, and left to rot. Just ask, me. I was born there.
Most people do not know. They cannot relate. They grew up in warm safe homes with safe and happy families. They did not grow up surrounded by home invasions, violent crime, rampant drug abuse, assault, rape, murder and death. I did. And I escaped.
But it is fleeting. The memories of my youth are forever etched in my brain. Tomorrow, harmless words and phrases said by others in otherwise meaningless conversations will cause flashes of images that cannot be unseen. Thoughts that cannot be unthought. Actions that cannot be undone....
But I will not take a bite out of anyone. Instead, I will return to the gym once again to literally, exercise those demons. You see, in the gym was where I spent my time in those dark days of my youth. Taking my frustrations out, using up my aggression. Now into my forties, I am still there. In the gym. Not much else makes sense to me in this world. But the weight room calms me, more than my living room, my bedroom, or any drink or drug I've been willing to try. When I am done in the weight room I am spent. All the anger and rage that was created in my earliest of memories are gone.
Tonight I am calm. I can look people in the eye and feel the same comfort around other human beings as they do. The same confidence. Inside I am not unlike the dog who grew up in a violent environment and has been beaten so many times that it is the only thing he knows. It shakes his confidence. It shapes his personality. It makes him bite.
once your soul is in pain, the only way to control the pain is to inflict it yourself. In the gym I control the pain. and I bring it, every time.
The Gym. My porgatory and my salvation are one and the same.